Super Freak - She is Riyaz Miss

Yo ViP, Lets kick it, said Riyazso in the voice of Vanilla Ice singing 'ice ice baby' while on the background Nazimso is wearing a multi colored bra & a bikini dancing with his MNDF boys. Shaking his booty with his police cap facing behind. Riyazso is jumping around from one chair to another in his home called M to the P to the S with his blue-purple tongue licking Nazimso's sexy bra like a vanilla ice cream. So yummy, sweet sweat drops falling in slow motion like a melting ice-cream like in euro2012. Turning brighter each second becoming darker, redder. dark red & thick. Riyazso is licking with his tongue, tasting & sucking. Nazimso is enjoying every slow second, almost hypnotized. Riyazso removes his shirt like he's from a 90s porn flick. He shakes his buttocks holding his shirt over his head and removes his belt while sucking Nazimso 'ice cream' which he likes to suck so bad. He imagines that it's fucking blood, human blood from the people his gang is raping. Old and young dhivehins he's sucking like Nazimso's booby ice-cream. WTF is wrong with us just standing voiceless, hoping that someone will save us. Riyazo is undergoing surgery now to become a shemale - Riyazmiss. "This is the power of SNAP" he's jumping up and down.

Journey to meet Dhon Adhambe - Part 1

Thursday morning 7:38am captan Abdullabe started the engine and my journey begins on this small but beautiful dhoni which is destined to reach Baa Atoll, my destination. I played thaas (cards) with my friend Haneef, Abdusattar, and Ibu on the 8 hour boat trip which we stopped for lunch cooked by the boys of Kappi and for Haneef to pray facing Mecca the Qibla.

Today is a hot day and the sea is very calm and almost not windy. This made me thirsty a lot. we fulfilled our thirst with coca-cola by Universal Enterprises and Resorts Pvt Ltd and aquafresh water by the same coke company served in silver bottles named Bon aqua very fresh.

At 16:14 I was on the island with my two modern backpack filled with 3 shorts, 6 t-shirts (branded) and 1 long jeans (Denim). After keeping the stuff at the house I went to meet Hassan and Kareem who were playing football on the dhandu. I joined in and few runs and I was dead tired and sweaty. But it was very nice experience. All the girls wearing burugaas are looking at my shorts. wow.

At six o-clock I went into the gifili (a room with a well known as a valhu) and I put the dhaani (a stick joined to a large coast milk can) inside the well and fill it up with water. Poured it on my head with cold water of the island. It was so araamu. Each drop of water touched my skin with a sensation that I wished to last forever. The dhaani filled with islandy cold water pouring onto my head cleaning the accumulated salty heat of the trip of my whole life. I felt like this is honestly the most satisfactory experience a person can ever have in an island. Meditative, dark, no sound except the sound of waves and an occasional bird flying with nature, and a giggle behind the coral walls of my gifili, my meditation garden of delight. I repeatedly did the dhaani movement up an down, up and down over my head until I reach the movement of no return and then I let go as pure white coming out of the shower. I dressed well and came to my folding bed (faijehi endhu) and nothing, nothing has changed in this island in the past 800 or so years since it was populated first by the settlers from Sri Lanka, except may be my iphone 3Gs and the Wataniya signal that enabled me to write this blog entry. I sleep now and good night.

Islamic Ministry should ban Islamic Ministry

Islamic Ministry is becoming notorious for banning and abolishing things in the Maldives. The reasons are usually 'complains' from the public. Who the fuck is this Islamic public who complains about everything on earth? Why don't they stay at home and own their own business. What if the wives of this so called Islamic community starts complaining about domestic violence and sexual abuse?

Islamic Ministry should start counseling sessions now, first starting from themselves first. Practice what you believe without forcing others to do as you wish. Without getting into the freedom of others. Now some might say that it is what your God intends, but remember majority of this world don't believe in your God, or your religion, and don't give a fuck.

Magical mystery Maldivians during election

Abbas was a poor man. His house was lit by one Kerosene lamp. Abbas does his toilet in the sea outside the walls of Fura Male'.

On day after having a sip from fermented coconut (wine) on one of his near the sea sessions to fetch shells, he found a glowing stone. He picked it up and hid under his striped sarong. At night near the Kerosene lamp Abbas stroked the glowing stone with his right hand and out came some smoke and a huge Jinni.

"Master, Master Thank you so much. I have been trapped in here for a 1000 years. Only you can free me out of this, and I will grant you 3 wishes."

Topless Abbass was overwhelmed and puzzled. He was not a believer of Jinns as such, but this is happening in front of him. The Jinni was growing even larger. Abbass got more scared.

"Abbass, my dear. You don't have to be scared. My name is Gayyoom. Hayul Gayyoom al Azhar. I have only one demand from you. To set me free."

Abbass still not in his senses, and covering his face with his not so clean sarong was now trying to get his brain to work. He was thinking like an "inventor". He wants to steal a machine. A machine from Nasir.

Jinni Gayyoom was not expecting a wish like this. But decided to grant this wish on one condition that, Abbass gives his sister to marry the Jinni. The deal is done. Jinni was freed. It shrunk back to his normal short size, flew to Azhar, his home town, with Abbas's sister and a bunch of nighties.

The machine:
Nasir, undoubtedly a much better inventor than Thomas Edition and Ibn Sina combined, had been working on the greatest invention of all time. This is better than his radio, he himself tuned from inside of his own house.

The people making machine. This machine can create people. Nasir is a great thinker. He knew that the most disadvantage of the country was due to it's small population and lack of land. So Nasir's mission was to make a machine to produce a lot of people, and then another machine to produce a lot of land. (He succeeded: he moved to England).

Jinn stole Nasir's people making machine for Abbas. Abbas now pressed all the buttons and turned all the knobs. And wow! "Dhoonithah... Dhoonithah... Ma govaigen dhaashe" he said! it was a bunch of people. All sizes and shapes. He killed the first batch of 1,000 people. Then he made more sophisticated adjustment and wooosh came another batch. Much better.

With this technique he was able to adjust the election results for ages. And one thing ruthless Abbas made sure he did was that to kill all the people who he produced when the elections are over. Well, except for the few of the dumbest, which the elitists can use as subservient slaves to work for them in their businesses and at home.

In the year 2008, things changed. Abbas accidently left his machine unlocked, and Nasheed got hold of it. Nasheed the champion of democracy and who holds such titles as Asia's Obama, and Galolhu's Mugabe got to use this machine. But Nasheed is more cowardly than the ruthless Abbas. Nasheed does not kill the people he produces. And look now. The whole Maldives if filled up.

And also Nasheed plays with the machine too much, when ever he gets a call from a Dhaaria doing too bad, me makes tons of more people and sends them off. Democracy machine is now in his hand... and Maldives is polluted with all these. There is no wall without a group of these person tiled up in a crooked grid. There's no where that you don't here these people screaming senseless speeches. The freed jinni should have been trapped forever.

Revolution Begins: Me and my bird's experience

The Man:
Without a 2nd thought I accepted the invitation from my hero and the famous businessman Gasim. I have been friends with him for a long time. He was the person who helped me out during the days I suffered when I was studying for my law degree in KL. When the government cut funding, he helped me financially. Since then we have kept in touch and I have professionally handled a lot of his cases during my lawyer days. In the Majlis we both were on the same side, and he is a kind man with a big heart. Often too big. He is one of my idols. He has money, wives and slaves. Though he resigned from DRP, we still maintain a good relationship. He calls me for legal advice for many of his ventures. I don't mind his party copying the manifesto and the policies of DRP. After all he is someone DRP created over the last 30 years. We are proud of it and I too am someone who wants to be him.

The Band:
On the rock-festival with an audience of over 500 children and adults his band were to perform tonight. When I entered I saw Gasim wearing a black T-Shirt and a blue jeans. Dr. Munavvar shirtless with bleached & torn levis jeans. Both were backstage doing their final practicing before the show begins.

"The Republicans" - the heaviest metal band ever to form in the Maldives. I could not wait to see Gaasim's performance. When the drummer rolled his power roll, Gaasim's head banging like it had no control. He was wearing a wig, make-up like "Kiss" on his face. The children watching the show banged their head to Gasim's. 360 degrees and more. Munavvar is shirtless. Shihab running up and down the stage.

I too played a bit of guitar in my young days. I also performed once during Valencia's "Happening" music shows in the eighties. I was a newscaster then. Under my blue shirt tonight I wore the black Slayer T-Shirt I bought from my last trip to Singapore. When Gasim signaled me to come and join the band for a jam session, I tore open my shirt and with my black Slayer Black T-shirt I came to the stage and did my power cord. "WE ARE IN HELL".

brooms and boobs

Twentieth time in these two days my buddy Fahmee and I have been to BML Atms located everywhere in Male'. We spend a considerable time on each occasion looking at others waiting before me, impatiently to check the bank balance. Everyone chooses option three from the 3rd screen and take a quick balance printout. Some people bring many cards. Probably of co-workers. All balances are closer to 0. Fahmee's balance is also RF 0.28 each of the times we checked.

We are waiting for the salary to be transfered. All the people are waiting and checking which ATM gets the money first. Last month I said BML near IGMH, Fakey (Fahmee's nick name) ATM near STO will get the salaries first. He won and I had to give him a coffee which he paid with the salary money he took. This time I am saying Olympus ATM. All our friends play this game. Which ATM gets the salary first. Very fun game for the end of the month. Can somebody make this a facebook game?

We are waiting till we get the salary to goto Ugulhey Baazaaru -- the best place in town. Though most have not got the salary yet they have been there once or twice so far. To get squeezed and to squeeze. I have not yet been there this year so far. But I am waiting to go when salary money of Fakey comes to the ATM. I remember last time we bought a lot of brooms and buckets. They are very useful.

My friend Farooq ordered one container from Bangkok for the market. But he could not pay the duty to it is stuck in customs.

I will write about the night market experience after I go.

Ifthah Ya Sim Sim and Sheik Afrasim

Years of watching Ifthah Ya Sim Sim on TVM specially on the long mornings of fridays made my Arabic better than ever before. Watching them run and ride bicycles on the streets of Arab world taught me how to run and ride bicycles. Haazaa Kithaab, this is a blog. Some of my friends were very deep into this Ifthah Ya Sim Sim. They went to Mauhadh Dhiraasathul Islamiyya and passed each grade with Jayyed Jiddan reports. Masha Allah to all of them.

When TVM cut this show the younger generation were unable to get a nicer Arabic introduction. They were forced to leave to Pakistan and do Madhrasa Sim Sim where they leaned how to imitate riding of camels and horses. These are the people experiencing an identity crisis these days. You will see it very clearly from the fashion they adopt.

I want our children to watch Ifthah Ya Sim Sim and Sesame Street. I will tell our Kutti who runs a useless ministry this. It will close our religious divide instead of plugging in some AfraSim Sim.